As much as I miss kisses, hugs, long dreamy gazes into starry eyes, delicate caresses, and long, drawn out lovemaking [color=#669900]and believe you me I miss the shit out of all those things and more[/color] I’ve come to see something which previously I had only paid lip service as currently an absolute truth in my life.
All efforts, thoughts, actions, and daydreams in the area of love and sex (past, present, and future) stand in the way of healing and growth. Every effort, however altruistic, or selfish, serves me not. The action only creates bruises on top of bruises, and breaks away more of the fragile edges of the hole in my heart. A hole, it seems, only time, acceptance, and Ganesha can fill.
I want to heal. I want to grow. I am not going to end up one of those miserable schmoes who writhe in agony over lost love, is completely oblivious to the love standing in front of him, blossoming all around him, and can’t really visualize any hope of there ever being any love in the future [color=#669900]though it may already be too late for that[/color] . Regardless, in the interest of healing and growth, until further notice I’ve got the Axe body spray shelved, and every last one of my naive ideas about how maybe we could just be friends packed in a box, and stowed on the top shelf of my beautifully organized utility closet.
There, I said it.
11 Comments
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Did you use the axe automatic matching system to choose the type of axe body spray according to the type of women you want to attract.
you could always join the order of the serpentine to get over the guilt of any qustionable hookups
but its never to late to find love
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* resists the urge to spray himself from head to toe and sprint up and down haight street in his underpants *
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why bother resisting ;-)
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’cause I wanna heal and grow silly…
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i guess good smelling exibitionism isn’t a part of that :)
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Well, Paul and I were musing there about how according to the people at Axe Body Spray Corporation, if you spray yourself down with that junk, not only do you immediately find yourself mobbed like Davy Jones or Bobby Sherman, girls screaming, chasing you, ripping your clothes from your body, but also you are forgiven by the hippie gods for anything questionable you may have done.
I was using the commercial product as an ironic symbol for my emotional and spiritual condition these days, where I find that “love” seems to be harmful to me, and all my efforts at exploring friendship and intimacy seem to hurt me, and thus, taking time to myself, and letting go of anything along those lines might be the order of today’s business.
I imagine that we would probably all get a chuckle out of my stripping, spraying, and streaking. But it wasn’t really an option, rather, a further use of the ironic image I was using in the original post.
But if you really want to, meet me at the Ferry building at noon today, and bring your axe body spray and we’ll go for a streak. k?
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wow. that was much more of an answer than i anticipated. i think we were caught in the tonal trap of internet typing.
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your words definitely hit home with me. i feel a little bit lost since i’m no longer self propagandizing myself with porn. it seems like any excess energy i had in the past i would direct to sex. (thinking about, hunting for porn, etc.) i’m hoping this energy that was used in running from myself will be a healing energy and help me move past dealing with realionships on the superficial appearances level. : )
thanks for you words…
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I am not a fan of porn of any kind. I actually object to it. I am not down with the objectification of human beings, or furthering our already completely fucked up society’s views on sex, love, and intimacy. I oppose this.
Still, I can completely relate with you stagg. Because a new cell phone is porn, a vespa accessory is porn. I see, I feel, I know… but that doesn’t change what I do.
I’m with you my brother. Here’s to healing and growing!
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I often hold back from engaging in new relationships out of fear because of what has happened in the past. Maybe if I could learn to appreciate the moment whithout being attached to the pleasure that the moment brings I would not feel so conflicted.
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I would only be in this moment. And do what ever possible to honor its teaching and to be true to myself.
I’m not afraid of a little pain, or a whole lot of heart ache. Rather, I have not been listening to my heart. And so I shall…