sʃʃıɥ ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ pǝpɐǝɥ

I had some pretty melodramatic trouble yesterday. When I realized what was going on, I broke out in a sweat, and soon felt like I was little more than a dog, barely able to stand on its haunches, wailing at the sky asking “Come on you motherfucker! Is that the best you can do? Kick me again! Come on!” It was a priceless moment of collapse. They are so rare. It’s almost impossible to imagine that I once lived my life in that condition all the time and felt that it was reality and that everyone else was living in an illusion.

Between the IRS cleaning out my bank account for the second time in six months, the desolation of my inner voice’s cursing at the universe, and the overwhelming outpouring of love from the universe in return I was not a little unsettled. As you can imagine, these things can be so deeply unsettling.

But I am not seeking a place where I can take refuge. I have that place. I know it well. I am seeking this path, and all the things which appear upon it. Bring the sunlight, bring the wolves, bring bandits, maidens, fevers, hopes, dreams, and monsoons. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The reminder is devastating, or at least it appears to be.

Can you imagine for a moment that it is a river rafting trip, and I am holding the paddle… the water speeds up, we’re cooking down the river… suddenly a huge boulder appears in the water ahead of us. The raft bounces into the obstacle, and we are upset. Into the water we go… What is to be done? Shall I dog paddle, cursing the world and drown? Or shall I right the boat, help you back into it, and then ask for your hand in pulling myself up so that we might continue our journey?

Isn’t it interesting how the former is the emotional answer, and the latter is the truth? The art of life is in negotiating the two.

Here’s what happened later…
I made all the appropriate phone calls, I arranged the best deal I could with the IRS. I didn’t fight, or argue. I accept the poetic nature of the creative being asked to accept fiscal responsibility for the failing of businesses which were managed and handled by those people in my life who are more frightened and much more practical than I am. It is fitting that the bass player is now asked to make the payments, and carry this corpse to the end of the road, and bury it himself. A closure I suppose I couldn’t have any other way.

Between the outpouring of love from my family and friends (offers to help, to loan money, to pay my rent, to talk, to hug) and the deep feeling of avalanche within me, my best thought was to get my butt to an Aaah meeting. Bob was kind enough to offer, and we rode together. After, I was of service to a few people, and then I went home. I didn’t forget to thank Bob for his kindness. I didn’t forget to return a phone call to my Mother, or to call my son and say goodnight. When I got home I began the process of letting go. I sat down and I meditated. More than an hour had passed by the time I was able to open my eyes again. And when I did, I felt the blessings of Tara, the fires of Ganesh all over my body, and dancing on my head like the blessings they are.

To let go is the revolutionary art. I want to hold on, to extract explanations, to explain myself, to forge the very earth below my feet and navigate my path as if I were God itself. And yet, to let go is the only answer. To allow the light of love, and friendship into my heart… to humbly accept the help of those who will, and to return the kind wishes of my friends with blessings, praise, and gratitude is the only way. When I say gratitude, I mean that I am very, very grateful to my friends and family for their kindness and love. Like tears running down my face, and snot running out of my nose grateful. Overwhelmed by love.

Today, between the fruit of my footwork, the IRS have already done what they said they would do, leaving my balance at zero as opposed to -$1,500, and an advance for a trip to Australia, plus a loan from my step-father and I am even. My bills are paid, and the path ahead, is once again illuminated with fireflies, beams of sweet gentle sunlight, and I believe more deeply than ever in the world.

If you are struggling in your life:
Please take a moment to calm your weary heart. Check your doubts, and the fantasies you are convinced of. Let go. Pause and reflect in silence, and let go. Liberate your mind, cleanse your heart, and change the world in a way which no one could take from you.