Even in a gesture of love and hope. Even then I bring harm. Josh is right, we destroy everything we touch. There’s nothing to do but let go.
I find that in recent years I have changed substantially. I carry a weight with me, not because I don’t know what to do, or where to turn to . My days of being an idiot, or a complete numb nuts are behind me. No, the weight upon me today is because I know exactly what to do, and I don’t want to do it. I don’t like it. I am afraid.
Funny thing fear… it’s not like living in a state of shock, as if bears were chasing me, rather fear is a state of being which has a way of seeping in through the cracks of everything. I process it with my other thoughts, like some antigen, or microbe, and the emotional response is valid. These distortions become a version of the truth which I believe. I believe them because they are real, three dimensional, and rationally based on my experience. I can prove it… see? And so fear has a way of becoming belief, and getting out from under a belief is a much more serious prospect than shaking off a fear, or getting the hell away from a bear.
What was once so natural, very simple and pure, is now a set of beliefs within me which not only cut me off from the light I would see, and feel, but also transcend my emotional experience and become actions which harm others. At first it is baffling to see the response. I stare in wounded wonder, totally confused. But then, upon reflection, I see. Here we are again, hello. Hello you. So I admit it to my mentor, and he directs me from there. I meditate upon what I’ve discovered, and see more. There is always more to see.
Now what was once something bursting through the seams of my soul, tearing me apart, bringing me to my knees with tears almost every day is condensed into a simple letter. Just a few clear, crisp lines of my handwriting. I share the letter with my mentor, and we burn it.
From here, I am in the hands of the universe…
2 Comments
Sunshine, you don’t bring harm. You can’t hold yourself responsible for other people’s expectations of you.
You say you’re tough, but you have a very special quality about you, a vulnerability and openness. It’s one of your most precious assets. And it radiates… I could sense it even before I met you. And I know that it is this very quality that causes a lot of grief for you. A quality that makes people want to fall in love with you… They want so much to have a piece of it. And it’s so precious, you can only give so much of it away. And they leave hurt and resentful.
But it is a gift. A wonderful gift and you have so much of it to give, under the right circumstances. But it is not your responsibility to make people happy, nor is it to try to live up to expectations built up by others.
You’re such an admirable person. I wish you could see yourself the way some of us do; your courage, honesty, and sensitivity.
I don’t know what it is that you’re going through or what it is that you’re afraid of. But after all the encouragement and kind thoughts you used to write to me, it’s my turn to say thank you for all that you have selflessly given.
I think maybe I’m just too poetic for my own good. I really don’t mean to be, this is actually the way I think, and how things feel to me.
You’ll just have to excuse all the flowers, and try to look past them to the point.
Because then the universe sends me you, and you… and now what am I going to do?
Nothing, as usual. Only take you at your word (and accept Hawkmoon’s nice comment as well) and continue on this path toward wherever, and whatever…
See you there maybe, or maybe just tears and more moody house tracks. We’ll see.