sǝuoſ ǝuıɥsunS

Have you ever found yourself in the middle of something you thought you wanted to do, maybe something you like doing, and suddenly realized that it wasn’t what you wanted to do? I don’t mean like “Mmm… you know what? let’s go home and watch a movie, k?” I mean, like in the throes of dance, mid make-out, pocket full of money at the check out counter, or almost all the way down the slopes of self destruction, and then you see it… clear as a bell. Ever been there?

Yesterday I found myself in such a place. It was strange, awkward, and painful, but I realized in the nick of time that the gaping hole inside of me will never be filled with anyone, or anything. I didn’t really just realize this actually, this is knowledge I possess. I have said these words before. But yesterday I watched myself approach the counter, and realized what I was doing, felt my emotions, trusted my higher sense of self, and calmly walked away without making a purchase.

Without knowing it, I’ve been leading up to this place. A series of events ranging from disastrous, to poignant, painful, awkward, and now clear have been unfolding before me. I hesitate to describe the transactions in detail and have chosen this language of commerce in hopes of both distancing myself from the activities under investigation as well as making a greater point.

The only way around this fire is right through the middle. I am not going to get out of it this time… I’m not available for love, because I am already in love (sad and broken as it is,) I am not available for sex or romance because I don’t like to have sex unless I’m in love… the tedious lesson of casual sex, however profound, is simply something I’m not interested in. The same dynamic is true for shopping, creating, and any host of other activities I’ve been making every effort to use in order to maintain this concrete block of a head of mine in static condition.

Harry says that when you’re made out of concrete, like I am, you can inspect and expose yourself to all kinds of things… but nothing can enter your mind, or your heart. You are stone, and there simply isn’t any room for anything new. We have to chip away at the stone, and believe me this is a solitary activity, and then the light can begin to shine into the darkness, and change may begin. I say may, not to be polite, but because it’s not a guarantee of any kind. It’s possible, and nothing more.

That said, today I feel clear, and present. I see myself, and what I’ve been up to for what it is. Sadly, I am a block of concrete, and there’s just no room in here for anyone, or anything. Not today.