Excerpts from two conversations I had tonight with people I love and admire deeply.
“I cheated on my boyfriend last year, something I had never done before, and thought I’d gotten away with it. But in the end I was completely insane around it. The lie opened a place inside of myself where I was somehow able to hoard all sorts of terrible secrets.
“I feel like I can’t be here any more. I have been involved with too many people here. They are judging me.
I didn’t want to tell anyone, because they would tell me to do something about it. Then people would find out what I’d done. I didn’t know what to do, but I still believed that I’d “gotten away with it” so I didn’t do anything.
I want to be here, but I need to take a break right now.
Finally, when I could barely look myself in the mirror I turned to a friend for help. I was willing to do anything I had to do to relieve the pain. She told me to go tell everyone what I’d done.
I don’t want to look at myself, I just can’t stand the way it makes me feel when I do. I don’t know… I just don’t know…. you know?
When I did, it was like the most horrible weight had been lifted right out of my life. It was very hard. But like cleaning a wound, which is painful, it allowed me to heal, which is what I needed to do.
I’ve never felt like people hated me because I was pretty, or because their boyfriends wanted to date me before I began this path. Maybe I never noticed before, but now I do, and it’s terrible.
When I think about it, the deep, dark secrets I keep are nothing. The things I covet, hold on to, that are killing me, are really nothing when you think about it. They’re just not a big deal. They kill me because I hold on to them.
I just want it to stop. I just want to stop being so ashamed all the time.”
What I have now is a whole person. I have friends, and self respect. I am more than the person I have always wanted to be. I am a part of the world, and that’s so much more than I ever expected to have.”
The wisdom of pain, and the fear of the unknown… one leaves in tears before the other begins to speak. The perfect thing, the exact words to save lives, unheard.
The strength of having survived the fire, and the terror of having to face the truth about ourselves, and what may come next…