Didn’t you know that we already feel like failures? Can’t you see it in our eyes? Didn’t you know that when you lash out in anger, or speak from a place of selfishness, parroting your parents or the television that you are sticking a knife into your own back? Your thoughts only twist the knife, and make it worse.
We try, we work, we struggle and strive and no matter what we accomplish it is nothing but failure. Nothing is ever good enough. Not for our fathers, not for our mothers, not for our sisters, not for our brothers, not for the women we love with all of our hearts, not for our children, not for our employers, not for anyone.
We see, we feel, we dream, we strive, reaching for the moon. And there is nothing but failure for us.
Wrap your arms around us. Look into our eyes. See and feel the love we have to give. If you love us for the beauty in our hearts, the purity of our hopes, the kindness of our gestures, and the force of our contribution and mighty aspirations, then kiss our lips, stroke our hair and whisper all your secrets into our ears. Tell us everything. Open the door, and never let it close again.
But if you can not accept us as we are, do not want our devoted love and misery, then leave us… go away, and never come back.
We will never change, though we pretend.
We are broken, and we hurt.
10 Comments
i feel like the bottom line for me is that i think i’m not good enough. in all my relationships i’m struggling to be good enough or better or the best. i feel like a failure as a man because i couldn’t be the best or biggest lover.
learning to love my broken self. a better place to start than trying to just cover it over. : )
So painfully true. The feeling never really leaves me.
*hug*
You are so far from a failure.
I’m so sorry you are hurting.
Huge hugs.
*big long hug*
there’s people out there that are on your side and will always be on your side…
Although we struggle and we hurt, we can be assured that there is something out there that never fails us. I am sure by not reaching miami you avoided some ugly mishap, or were needed at home for some mysterious reason.
*hug*
I have been thinking about these assertions for a while now. I have tried to write them into stories, but it doesn’t come out right. They sound like accusations, self-abuse, as if someone else were meant to be responsible for these feelings.
Originally I subscribed these feelings of failure to men, as a gender. I can see that everyone may relate, and we may all have a little of this in our hearts, but I know so many men who feel this way. I meet more each day. Times are tough, and in relationships our hearts harden to our partners, and somehow time slips away. Men I know and love and admire feel so deeply that they have failed. The only real confident men I know are so sociopathic that even I can barely stand to chat with them for long. They scratch their butts and wonder why they don’t have many friends, and no one seems to love them. Yet they continue to equate their monetary worth, or keen abilities to screw people over with desirability.
I wince at the thought of a life like that…
I think that men have it pretty badly on all counts. Trained and molded by no one, accused of so much, and then held to a traditional set of values which simply do not add up to what the world actually says to us. We are a gender of push-me-pull-yous who are kicked when we show weakness or sensitivity, and told to cowboy up when the chips are down, we are asked to be tender when we court, and dance, and then peered at with scorn and brutality when we allow a peep of our hurt to come out.
We were born to lose. Born to fail.
I wrap my arms around my beloved inner punk rock love-child and kiss him sweetly all over his beautiful face. When he hates you all, I assure him that you’re not so bad. when he won’t come out from the closet, and refuses to speak, I assure him that you are wonderful and it will be ok.
He never seems to learn. But I am devoted to him and his growth.
It’s not just a “male thing” believe me honey when I tell you that women have long endured having to meet the expectations of others. Take care of the husband, bear children, run the household and in 2006 go to work and bring home a paycheck. Both genders are burdened with sociatal beliefs. But more importantly, without gender bias, we are here with our hearts open, ready to express our hopes and fears. My “punk rock girl” has left the party and is crying as she walks across town by herself in the dead of night. She’s waiting for the “fuck you” hormone to kick in. I suspect it never really will and she will continue to hide behind the pink hair so she can be judged on appearance instead of who she REALLY is.
Yes, I attributed this general feeling to more than just men. I hope you see that above.
However, I can’t know what it is to be a woman. Only a man. I like to think in terms of human being most of the time, yet there are different rules, and different expectations (bullshit or otherwise.)
There is also a lot of anger and lack of compassion for men and the horseshit they get fed.
I am intimate with, and (often) angry about what women continue to endure. I am thrilled when given the opportunity to shine the light of humanism and equality into the eyes of a dullard who, until then, had no other concept. My favorite moments in social work have been truly delivering the seeds of empathy to a macho idiot, and watching the light go on in their eyes.
Still, that doesn’t invalidate the male experience, or the importance of discussing it. would that there were more than a handful of men available to talk about it, perhaps we might find something more within ourselves than blows to the face, and scorn for ourselves.
I did see that and in no way did I intend to invalidate the expressions of your experience. Don’t get me wrong. In many ways the male experience is much more hidden and far darker because it is recognized even less than the female. Maybe that’s not quite right. Hmm… words are often not my forte. When will the human experience take over and we can speak of common experiences instead of female vs male? sadly maybe never. We all hurt don’t we?
I think that the human experience is a diverse and interesting thing. There’s no one way to sum it all up for anyone. But it’s certainly interesting to explore.