I was talking with someone tonight about his relationship. We were laughing together at how he felt that the only way to make his girlfriend stick by him was to lie to her, and pretend to be something he’s not. You may not relate entirely to the logic here, but he’s hooked up with a woman who really doesn’t do it for him. They’ve been together for a while now, and he’s miserable. He imagines that if only he could change, not want to express his affection (something she calls “high school relationship stuff”) and do whatever she says (most of which he doesn’t want to do) then she’ll be happy, and stay with him.
We laughed, and grinned at each other for a half an hour because we both know how insane it is, but it doesn’t stop him. Never stopped me either.
So I posed the only logical question: Why are you with her?
He replied with the only logical answer: Because I love her. Then he said “Cause I’m scared to be alone?” in the form of a question (like I could explain it, right?) Finally he smiled sadly and just said “I don’t know.”
So I asked him what would happen if he simply told the truth, did what he honestly wanted to do, said no when he didn’t want to do something, and expressed his affection openly, without holding back?
We agreed that his girlfriend would probably leave him. She doesn’t like him, his displays of affection, his ideas, excitement or ambitions.
Things were getting serious here, and we weren’t laughing anymore. I asked the next logical question:
What would you do if you met someone who you could be completely honest with, who loved you for who you really are, and wanted to kiss you all the time, and hold your hand, take long romantic walks and have a lot of sex?
We were laughing again before I was done asking the question. We both know that if we ever found someone like that we’d be bored out of our minds, and miserable in no time. That’s not love. Heck no. We only seem to fall for women who don’t accept us, can’t love us, and leave us beating on ourselves, editing ourselves, and pretending to be something we’re not. That’s love baby.
Bring it!
12 Comments
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NO THANK YOU
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Someone that I really respect, and who has been in a long standing and seemingly happy relationship. once said to me, that when you find the right person for you, you will have the freedom to be more of who you are.
There is space in the relationship for personal development, and time together. Hopefully both people have other interests in addition to each other, and be apart to play work and explore, then can come back together, talk, take long walks, hug, kiss, have lots of great sex, and sit comfortably together in silence. There will surely be disagreements too, and issues to work through. Isn’t that to be expected? Only in fairy tales do two people blithely run off into the sunset, and live happily ever after. That would become a bore after a while. Who has time to be bored? No, that is not love.
I think you can be happy in a relationship with out being bored to death. I am laughing at myself, because I am not in a relationship, but I do see some great examples right now in my life, they are working and growing all of the time. I am also observing some relationships that should be put to rest.
As with anything, if there is unhappiness, or something is not working, it is important look beneath the surface, give some time to the situation, and really see it for what it is, then of course decisions have to be made which will may not be fun, but will pay off if inner love is the leader.
It probably goes deeper than not wanting to be alone, because aren’t you already alone in a loveless relationship where you cant express yourself, and be who you are? Don’t you feel isolated, separate, and unhappy?
I am wondering if it is the change, the fear of change that is the issue. The discomfort of finding something new about yourself, confronting the strange need for misery can seem overwhelming. (and secretly don’t you hope the other will change, so you don’t have to?) Core beliefs are in the forefront rather than being unconscious. Even if you are aware of them, they do die hard and surface in layers, you have to deal with them or get into the same situation with a different face.
I have to believe that true love and connection with a special person is possible, because I can make great connections that are not so completely intimate. It may not look like I think it should, but it will challenge me and satisfy me at the same time. Loving someone or something wakes you up to your own true nature, which is love.
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I hope you can laugh with my friend and I about how silly and sometimes sad we are. I certainly am not making a case for crappy love.
However, I am concerned about this idea that true love “allows” you to “be yourself.”
You are always allowed to be yourself. In every minute of every day. Always. The decision to alter, or edit one’s self is a people pleasing, and very often completely subconscious choice we make.
We edit, and no one is ever happy.
What was most amusing to me and my dinner companion last night, is the pathetic fact that that’s what we call love.
It ain’t even close… but somehow it’s what we do.
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I see the irony. We are strange creatures. : )
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Right.
Of course you are always allowed to be yourself. We are the ones who choose not to be for what ever reason.
I think that what my friend was saying, is that when you are in a truly loving relationship, there is freedom, ease and trust, thus you feel safe to be and express who you are, and there is no need to pretend.
I didn’t think you were making a case for crappy love. Those were just thoughts that came up for me in response to what you wrote, and I did laugh. I think it is terribly funny and at the same time not so funny.
Yes ironic.
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once again your words fly off the page and make me laugh right before they slap me in the face.
when a guy likes me i have this tendency to push him away as much as i can, as much as my little arms, heart and words can push…even if i like him back. it is when the pushing has caused the doors of his heart to swing shut that i find myself wanting him. its like i only want them when they’re done wanting me. i think its something about the challenge in wanting to be wanted. ree-diculous. i know. its only recently that i’ve seen this pattern in my relationships (if you wanna call them that) and its only recently that i’ve decided to make a conscious effort to change it. will i be bored with future relationships because of it? i don’t know. or, will i be happy? i don’t know that either but, of the two i prefer the latter.
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I can totally relate. I have spent most of my life doing the same thing. My dad (who was tired of watching this) used to always tell me: “When you quit accepting crumbs you will be given loaves”. It has been true for me, finally, after accepting crumbs for a LONG LONG time… and I adore my husband who I have been with for almost 6 years.
I hope you will stop accepting crumbs and be given loaves and like it, enoy it and know you deserve it someday soon Sunshine.
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I’m not hiding my love anymore. It’s true.
But I have no interest in another crumb.
After the love I’ve known in my life, and all that we’ve been through together. Frankly, the past is truly in the past, and I’ve simply got no interest in the places I’ve been to try and scratch an itch, or operate as a means to an end.
Nothing could turn me off more completely.
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i have been accepting crumbs for so long. and i thought just a few days ago that i was over it. but i went back! and i don’t know what it will take to stop. i am “with” this guy that i met dancing. we started dating and then “stopped” because he said he didn’t want a girlfriend. but we remained friends, still hang out, still dance together, sleep together. there is no future to it, and really, no present to it either, but i am just addicted to him. i need to remove myself completly, but i do not know what is on the other side. i am 28 years old, and i do not want to have a life of empty dynamics with men, but i really honestly don’t believe that there is something better out there. it’s sad, to say the least.
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Oh love…
If you don’t mind me saying so (I don’t know you from a hat in a rack) but it sounds like more of an issue of self-esteem than an issue with men.
Love yourself…
Hang in there.
* hug *
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No worries, you’re right. :) I am a highly-educated, smart, talented, attractive woman, and yet, so very empty inside. Yes, must work on loving self before even thinking of loving someone else.
Thanks for the forum to share.
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Actually, I am not sure about the whole cliche of love yourself before you can love someone else… It’s been my experience that seeing love in the world, giving love freely has changed me profoundly. I’m not sure I could have even begun the journey of inner love before I was able to love something unconditionally.
I think that’s the piece that people don’t want to talk about because they haven’t explored it, they just brush you off with a cliche. It’s hardly fair, at least without qualitifcation.
I think it’s the dependency that’s really the problem. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. Saying something like “I need to be alone right now” is in no way making the choice to be alone forever… I am currently living that choice. My heart is heavy, and damaged, and I don’t feel that I could offer anyone but my friendship, my time, and my support. Maybe some people would call that love and in a way it is, a piece of love, but it’s not what I’m looking for in terms of romance.
I never do anything “for now.” Though I do make a lot of mistakes…
I suppose it’s all a part of growth…