sǝuoſ ǝuıɥsunS

I’m ok. It’s been a difficult few days, I’ve done some crying, some thinking, a lot of walking and not much talking, but I’m ok. Feelings are like clouds, they come and they go, and they come again, and then they go again.

I spent monday talking to dozens of people who were beside themselves, and needed someone to listen a while and then encourage them to remember that this went down exactly as it was supposed to go down, and ultimately it isn’t about them. Tuesday was quite different. I spent the day accepting the love and kind support of friends, family and strangers who wanted me to know they were here for me if I needed them. I don’t know which was harder to deal with. The best part of yesterday was going to Indian food with Jill and laughing about nothing with her, telling Si stories, and feeling safe and connected.

I spent today trying to get back to work, announcing tomorrow night’s show, meeting with Franky about a new monthly in SF, and brainstorming about me playing at Pink, and getting Harley and Muscle to both New York and San Francisco. I took time to catch up on some blog reading, mess with my new camera, and made some personal phone calls to people I thought might be taking Si’s death really hard but were maybe too grown up to reach out about it and offered my hand and my heart in friendship and love. Getting about generally. Moving forward, and being of good cheer as Si always encouraged me to be. He’s in God’s hands, and so am I. So are you for that matter.

Mostly I am deeply grateful to my dear and treasured friends who have reached out to me. You know that nothing means more to me than words… maybe hugs and kisses… but words are the path to my heart. I am so touched and reassured by your friendship, and each gesture of your affection for me. I can’t thank you enough for your love and kindness.

But know this: I may be flooded with emotion right now, but I’m ok. It’s not about me. The old man kicked the bucket, but he had a wonderful life, a good long run, and left a wake of beautiful people, magically touched lives, love, peace, friendship, admiration, and unforgettable stories behind. So while I may find myself mysteriously weeping uncontrollably, laying on my back in Duboce Park after dark, taking pictures of the clouds… it’s just because I miss my dearest friend, and the only man on earth I have ever truly, and completely trusted. He isn’t here, but he is. He always will be.

Now it’s up to us, each in our way, to honor our friend in our actions, thoughts, and with our words and prayers as well. To me that means resting assured that we are taken care of, letting go and knowing that all will be well, being full of shortcomings, but being so full of them with love, and laughter and comfort because we’re human, and in our hearts… radiantly shining beneath all that selfish crap and boring control tripping dust we kick up… we are loved, we are beautiful, and each of us perfect creatures who can’t do anything wrong or say anything wrong.

It’s gonna be all right.