awesome | ôsum |
adjective
extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear :
the awesome power of the imagination.informal extremely good; excellent : brodie, this dee-jay is seriously awesome! DERIVATIVES
awesomely adverb
awesomeness nounORIGIN
late 16th cent.(in the sense [filled with awe] ): from awe + -some
I read the pictures like secret messages. I take them to heart, take them personally. My heart leaps, and I reply with pictures of my own. Then there are more pictures. My heart pounds, and my ears hum. I can think of nothing else. A line of communication is open again. My heart breaks, aches, twists, and dances inside my chest. My mouth goes dry. I stay up all night loading and reloading pages impossibly hoping for threads, or traces of something which once meant everything to me. Something which still means everything to me, but has passed, and is gone. Gone into silence, into ashes, into dreams, smoke, mist.
As has been the case lately, I am all kinds of awesome. I imagined I had recovered, that the prayers were answered and that there was some relief from this pain, this obsession, this ear ringing, and mind numbing idiocy of the impossible. Today (and tonight) I discovered that I am all kinds of awesome indeed.
The thin wall of ice breaks under my feet. I know it’s cracking, and that to save myself I should simply walk away, get off the ice sheet, and head for the security of shore. But being Mr. Awesome, I stay. I stay and plunge into the icy waters of winter.
This must be all in my mind, and I am even less rational than I had previously imagined. I doubt my doubts, and rub my eyes, wash my face and get the fuck away from the computer for several hours. I take a long scooter ride [color=#999999]which was so deeply wonderful and healing[/color] and just try to pull myself together. Fuck I’m an idiot. It comes as no surprise to me just how popular it is to hate me, to spurn me, to kick me [color=#999999]for years baby[/color] while I’m down. No surprise because I do most of the kicking myself. But it’s a surprise to watch as my heart does a back flip over something which I am now quite certain has nothing to do with me at all. I may need to see the doctor.
Calmly over a cup of tea, browsing the Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary from 1946, I stumble upon the word itself: Awesome and find an etching of myself, and the description fig 5. S. Jones: all kinds of awesome. Foolish, half-crazy, devoted to the play of illudere and sorge. Naturally no one was more surprised than me to see myself in the dictionary, giving the thumbs up, and grinning like a complete idiot.
One Comment
I am glad that you took that ride and that it was healing! I am so sorry I missed out but hopefully next week. OK, next week. BTW I already knew your picture was in the dictionary next to awesome. You could have just asked me. : )