sʃʃıɥ ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ pǝpɐǝɥ

My son is a robust, and wonderful little man. For all the delightful and heartwarming things there are about him, I’d say socialization is one of the areas where he might need some work. Not surprising, considering his deeply anti-social parents. However, my son is a dear boy, and he loves people. We play with many kids, and try to organize as many outings and get-togethers as is possible. At school these lessons are amplified. In a contained, and supervised environment, it is a relative peitry dish of society’s contents, and so much happens there.

Enter the bully with issues:
There’s this kid, he’s notorious, and he’s got issues. His parents are nice enough, but it’s clear that this child has no healthy outlet for his feelings, and operates in a state of mindless fear and selfishness in a way that is not being addressed by his parents. He hoards his friends, openly rejecting others, and asks them to only play with him. He hurts the feelings of those around him, and when he doesn’t get his way he resorts to violence.

In a lot of ways this sounds like natural development issues for all children. Yet, in this child, it’s amplified, and he’s definitely running the show. Eggshells are crunching, and this method is working for him.

For a while there’s been issue about the bully, my son and a third party. My son and the other boy were fast friends. They really like one another. The bully also really likes this other boy. Naturally there’s been some issue.

First the bully demanded that his friend exclude my son. “We don’t want to play with you! and that sort of thing. My son and I talked about what kind of boy might treat other people this way, and what kind of a “friend” would bail on you when the bully shows up. He seemed to understand, and we felt bad for this bully.

Next my son grows weary of the bully’s nonsense. Feeling betrayed when the bully arrives in the afternoon and abruptly puts an end to the play between my son and his other friend (because the bully is here now, and it’s time to only play with him.) My boy took issue, and shoved his other friend, saying that he felt badly and didn’t think he was a good friend.

He’s right. That’s weak. What kind of a friend is that? A henchman in the making I guess… But the bully hauled off and punched my son in the nose. Now mind you, the blows of 4.75 year old boys are not serious. they are stronger than you think, yet uncoordinated, and unable to really throw a punch (for now.) My son’s feelings were very hurt, and meetings were called, and there was much to discuss.

My son understood in the end that it’s not right to shove people, and to get a teacher and talk about our feelings when we feel that something’s wrong. He also understood that no one is allowed to touch him, or punch him. That is simply unacceptable.

The school allowed the bully to remain enrolled, and things quieted down a little.

Today, my son came home with teeth marks on his face, and a lot of embarrassment. Turns out that at the end of the day (circle time) the Bully didn’t like where my son was sitting, and decided to bite him in the face!

First, my boy. We talked and hugged, and kissed and loved and have begun to heal. The lesson here is that no one is allowed to touch us. And when we see that coming, we shove the person away and say “You are not allowed to touch me!” and immediately go and get the teacher. This is one part self defense, and one part following the rules (go get a teacher.)

Personally, I’d like to drop kick this child as far away from here as possible. I’d like to teach my son that this little boy is a “bad” and unhappy boy, and he is not allowed to play with him anymore. While I have tried to solicit my son’s just-about-five-year-old empathy for the bully, and expressed that I don’t think he’s my son’s friend, and would like to see him play with other kids from now on, I simply can not express enough how important it is for my son to learn to also stand up against this sort of nonsense and ensure that he knows how wonderful he is, how loved he is, and that he simply never has to accept that sort of treatment from anyone.

Now comes the fun part. We spent the afternoon re enacting the event, and processing our feelings about it. We practiced the correct reaction next time: Shove the bully away and say “You are not allowed to touch me!” and then immediately get the teacher. We did this over and over until we were laughing and hugging and kissing.

I am going to meet with the head of the school, and here’s what we’re gonna go over:

1. This is strike two (so shame on me now) and if this happens again I am going to take legal action against the school (for negligence) and against the bully’s parents (for neglect.)

I love this school, and the head of it. She is a wonderful woman. But this kid has emotional problems and is notorious in the community. He needs to be out of the mix, and into the hands of people who can attend to them if his parents can’t or aren’t going to do it.

2. I am going to teach my son to defend himself against this sort of petty and unstable oppression. Unless the school, and the bully’s parents can forge a team to help solve the issues, then they are going to have pre school fist fights on their hands. Because I want my son to stand up to him, and to defend himself, and the other little kids this bully terrorizes. No one should be treated this way. Childhood’s lessons are hard enough.

For now, empathy, and love and healing are the order of the day. But there’s only so much empathy a four year old can have. He wants to thrive, and rise above this. But the bully comes back for more every day. There has to be an acceptable line where my son may stand up and do what’s right.

Shades of my own childhood…. unaddressed violence, shame, beatings, fear, and torment. I pause to reflect, and ensure I am not overcompensating, or being irrational. I want to offer my son healthy, and positive self-esteem. I want my son to address this in the very best way, and know just how loved he is, and how supported he is, and that no one has the right to down-press us just because they have problems.

Heavy day.